Bat-Man and Snipes
by Sewer Medic
Summary: In the city of Teufort, nothing is safe from crime. That is when the dynamic duo, the BLU Scout and the BLU Sniper (Bat-Man and Snipes) come in to save the entire city. From like, RED Medics and aliens and Merasmus and many, many different enemies. Please read and review and all that stuff.
1. Squirrels, Bats, Organs

Lighting flashed and thunder rumbled over the city of Teufort as a lone figure stood on top of a building, surveying the scene. Two men caught his eye, and he jumped off and ran towards the scene.

"Give me all of your money!" shouted the first man. He had a ski mask on and was holding a gun out at the man. The second man nervously pulled out his wallet and handed over his money. Suddenly, the same figure appeared out of nowhere and whacked the gun out of the man's hand.

"Argh! Who do you think you are?"

"I am…" With a dramatic pause, the figure swept off his cloak to reveal that he was actually just the BLU Scout with the Haunted Hat, Chucklenuts the squirrel, and the Delinquent's Down Vest. "The Bat-Man! Like, you know, it's like Batman, but with the other kind of bat. Like the one they use in baseball. Speaking of baseball, you know that last match, between the Dodgers and the-"

"I don't care who you are!" shouted the man, who had by this time retrieved his pistol. "I'll shoot you too!"

However, all the Scout heard was "blah blah steal stuff blah blah evil blah blah guns and stuff blah blah waffles".

"Snipes! Get him!" The Bat-Man called. A sudden arrow snatched the gun out of the man's hand once again and pinned it to the wall. The BLU Sniper walked out of the shadows with his Huntsman out and the Anger bandanna over his face.

"I told you, I want to be Owl if I'm doing this!" snapped the Sniper. "Because I make a really good owl. Remember Halloween? It's also a bird, like Robin."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Snipes." The Scout waved him off. "But anyway! We're like the crime fighting duo of the decade! Bat-Man and Snipes ("OWL!" The Sniper hissed.) will stop all crime in Teufort forever!" It would most likely be a week, but it would at least be a very not crime-filled week.

"Seriously?" The man looked at them. All he saw was a buck-toothed Bostonian with a squirrel and a creepy Australian man who looked like he really needed a shower with a bow. "You look really pathetic for heroes-"

He ended up in the hospital with a concussion, an arrow through his left foot, and possible rabies from Chucklenuts.

But that's irrelevant, because he's not the center of this story. Bat-Man and Snipes (Owl, whatever) are the center! So we follow their misadventures and stuff.

* * *

So that night, Bat-Man and Snipes walked through the town, looking for crime. There wasn't too much crime, but wherever the Scout went, trouble was sure to follow. And of course…

"Hey! Look! It's the RED Spy!" Bat-Man pointed out. Sure enough, it was the Spy of the RED team. He was walking around and generally looking suspicious, which was basically what all Spies did. Chucklenuts made an angry squirrel sound.

"Crikey, you're right!" Snipes raised his bow. "Want me to nail him in the forehead?"

"Nah, we should follow him and see what happens." Bat-Man tossed his bat around, preparing for a potential fight. "Maybe he's doing something illegal. Because you know, he went into the bar. Illegal people always go into bars. I think that's how it works. (It wasn't.) Chucklenuts, you stay here unless we call for you, okay?" Chucklnuts made a squirrel sound and bounded over to beneath a tree.

then, Bat-Man and Snipes ran into the bar. And stopped. There were incredibly many people in the bar, almost to the point where it was impossible to get around. There were just that many people in there.

"Oi! Bloody pikers! Move!" Snipes growled. No one listened, and even if they did, they couldn't move at all.

Bat-Man managed to double jump above the crowd and go through like he was riding the crowd. He was admittedly pissing off those were not drunk enough to notice it, but it was a successful path through the incredibly dense crowd. Bat-Man looked around, hoping to catch sight of the RED Spy.

He finally managed to find the RED Spy, who was somehow in a non-crowded corner of the bar. He jumped over the last people in the crowd and landed in front of the RED Spy. The RED Spy was surprised.

"HA! I've caught you now, villain!" The Scout cried. "You're, like, doing illegal stuff, probably! That's how Spies work and stuff!"

"Wait, what?" The Spy stood up. "You're… BLU Scout?! What are you doing here?"

"It's because of you freaking Spies everywhere!" Bat-Man shouted. "Also my name is the Bat-Man, not the Scout! I am not the Scout right now! And my sidekick Snipes is with me too!"

"And by Snipes I believe you mean your team's Sniper?" The RED Spy dryly remarked. "How did you convince him to join you in this foolishness?"

"Uh... he wanted to join." Bat-Man stammered out suspiciously.

"Then why does it sound like you're lying?" The RED Spy asked.

"Alright fine, he joined because I blackmailed him!" Bat-Man admitted. "But that's not the point! You're doing illegal stuff in this bar! I can feel it!"

"What? Who told you that?" The Spy asked him as he oh-so-casually swept his illegal looking briefcase off of his small table. Bat-Man did not notice.

"No one! It was my intuition!" Bat-Man triumphantly pointed his bat at him. "We should… actually, since Snipes isn't here, I should report you to the authorities!"

"I'm not doing anything illegal, BLU Scout." The RED Spy groaned. "I'm just waiting here for someone so I can discuss a personal matter with them."

"Ha!" Bat-Man attempted to make a fake laugh and miserably failed. "A likely story. And even if it was true, you were probably going to discuss an illegal personal matter!"

"If you must know, I will be talking with one of the agents I set to ensure the safety of your mother!" The Spy snapped at him.

"Hey! That's not cool, Spy! Take your dirty, diseased hands off of her!" Bat-Man whacked him somewhat-lightly on the shoulder.

"How? I am not touching her now, am I?" questioned the Spy. "And besides, I've sent them to PROTECT her, not to kill her. My enormous salary is hardly lessened. Don't you think it's suspicious at all that she never runs out of money, no matter how much she spends? How she's never harmed in such a city like Boston? You say it yourself: 'If you was from where I was from, you'd be f*cking dead!'" The RED Spy flawlessly imitated the Bostonian's voice.

"Alright, so I guess you're right." Bat-Man admitted. "But now I don't have anyone to bust for something illegal!"

"Well, about illegal…" The RED Spy laughed. "I happen to know that my team's Medic is doing some black market organ dealing. I also happen to know that he gets his organ from the battlefield, a basic infinite source."

"You mean like- OH MAN, that's gross! You mean he just picks up organs when we get blown up?" Bat-Man was used to blood and gore and all that, but that was a new level of disturbing. "Where does he store them?"

"In his fridge." The RED Spy sipped his tea that seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Ask your team's Spy. He should know, after his head was in there for those three weeks."

"Cool! Spy, where is he?" Bat-Man eagerly asked.

"Why, he's just two blocks away." The Spy waved him away. "Go away, you pesky Scout."

"I'm the Bat-Man!" snapped the Bat-Man. "Thanks, but you're still a jerk."

As the Bat-Man walked away, the RED Spy sighed. "Thank god he believed that. He's such an idiot. Perhaps I may look after his mother, but I'm certainly not meeting with agents about her."

10 minutes later, Bat-Man finally managed to extricate his sidekick from the mass of people and take off for the illegal meeting place. Bat-Man was so sure he had a firm case on his side.

They busted in the door. "FREEZE!" shouted Bat-Man. Then he froze. Inside the building were ten ruthless looking hulking brutes and no RED Medic in sight.

"Er, Scout, I think we're one building too far to the left," whispered Snipes. "Uh, back up before something- Aw, piss." They all cracked their knuckles simultaneously and took a menacing step forward. They ran out of there as fast as they could and kicked in the door in the building to the left.

"Is this the right one?" At the sound of his voice, the three men immediately turned around. They were the RED Medic and Heavy as well as a man with an evil looking mustache. Bat-Man immediately knew that this man had to be up to no good. Just look at his mustache! That long, luscious mustache!

"Ach, was ist los?" The RED Medic grumbled. Then he did a double take. "What? The BLU Scout?"

"What is little man doing out of BLU fort?" rumbled the RED Heavy.

"You're doing bad stuff and I'm here to stop you!" Bat-Man took a dramatic pose. "My sidekick Snipes ("I give up." growled Snipes.) will help me! I heard from your team's Spy that you're selling our organs to people! THAT'S NOT COOL!"

The Heavy immediately lurched forward but was stopped quickly by one of Snipes's arrows in his large hands. He howled in pain and pulled it out but it was replaced by yet another one in his leg. As the Heavy was distracted by Snipes, Bat-Man ran forward and engaged the Medic, who pulled out his Ubersaw for combat.

"Stay still!" The Medic shouted at Bat-Man. He was double-jumping and basically avoiding everything. However, this slightly impeded his ability to smack the Medic.

"What is this?" The third man sounded more annoyed than anything. "I was not informed that there would be some kind of immature vigilante running around to stop us."

"Hey!" Bat-Man stopped. "I am NOT immature! Say that one more time, I dare you! If you were from, where I was from, you'd be f*cking dead!" The Medic saw his chance and put his blade to Bat-Man's back.

"Now will you stand still, pesky kind?" The Medic snapped. The Heavy walked over with many arrow holes in his various limbs. Luckily for him, they were mostly superficial. He was holding the struggling Snipes.

"No! Let Snipes go, you big fat fatty fat fat!" shouted Bat-Man.

* * *

**What will Bat-Man and Snipes do in the clutches of the RED Medic and Heavy? Who is this man with this lusciously evil mustache? Where did Scout's Haunted Hat come from? Will the RED Spy come back and do something silly? What happened to the guy with a concussion and a shot left foot? Where is Chucklenuts? All this and more will be answered in… CHAPTER 2. And stuff.**

* * *

Yay for SKERY HEHT reference.


	2. Monkey Aliens from Mars

Bat-Man and Snipes were tied to some bars that the mustache guy found somewhere. The three men had then gone into a different room with three different boxes of mercenary organs.

"Bat-Man, how are we getting out of this?" Snipes spoke up.

"Don't worry, the hardhat gave me some tools because he said I'd probably end up killing myself if I didn't have them!" Bat-Man bragged. "Like… this!" He managed to pull something from his shoe with his incredibly dexterous un-socked feet.

"…The truckie gave you another bat." Snipes was not amused. "An incredibly small, useless bat that smells because you take a shower just about every other month."

"Hey, shut up!" Bat-Man protested. "You live in a van! But anyway, this has, like, mini-technology or something! ("The correct term is nano-technology, Bat-Man.") I'm gonna use it to get us out!" With that, Bat-Man pressed one of five buttons. A little saw popped out.

"Wait, what do all those other buttons do?" Snipes asked.

"They do things that are important to the plot later on," Bat-Man said mysteriously while also breaking the fourth wall. "But anyway, Engie set it up so that there are little drone thingies and they rearrange themselves when I press a button so they do different things. This one's a mini saw. It's almost like Engie knew what was going to happen in the plotline!"

"Kid, shut up." Snipes groaned. "Don't ruin the fanfic. It's bad already."

"Alright, I see your point." Bat-Man concluded. "But anyway, I got the ropes off!" The ropes slid away from the triumphant duo. "Alright, now to my collection of bats!" Bat-Man pulled all of his bats from nowhere.

"Woah, where did they all come from?" The surprised Snipes asked.

"Wait, so you've never seen the Soldiers randomly pull rockets from midair and load their rocket launchers with them?" asked Bat-Man incredulously. "Seriously, where do they even come from? Do they just pull rockets from their ass or something?"

"...Fair point." admitted Snipes. "Now let's go get them!" They burst through the door again to the annoyance of the trio inside.

"Ach, do you ever give up?" The RED Medic groaned. "Heavy, take care of them, please." The RED Heavy lumbered forward with his arms outstretched, but he was too slow to grab the duo. Bat-Man double-jumped over his head and smacked the RED Medic on the side with his Sandman. There was an audible crack, but the RED Medic was still standing and he had pulled out his Ubersaw.

The RED Medic swiped the Ubersaw at Bat-Man. Bat-Man countered with a quick thrust with his Atomizer and then threw his Wrap Assassin. As the RED Medic instinctively raised his hands to block it, Bat-Man stepped on the RED Medic's foot and smashed him with all his might between the legs with the Holy Mackerel. The RED Medic went down in fishy defeat.

On the other side of the room, Snipes was combatting the RED Heavy with his Huntsman and his Bushwacka. The RED Heavy made a lunge for him, but Snipes dodged out of the way and threw Jarate at him. The RED Heavy was not pleased.

"You! Yes, you!" The RED Heavy rumbled. "You are DEAD!" He picked up a desk and threw it at Snipes, who dodged out of the way and slashed downwards. The crit was not meant to kill, but rather leave a mark and the bulletproof vest proved to be useless as it was split down the middle as well as everything below and under.

Snipes' jaw fell as he realized that the RED Heavy was wearing nothing but his spotted boxers. Both of them were speechless for several seconds. Then, the RED Heavy screeched and slammed a massive fist into Snipes. However, before he could deal the finishing blow, the Fan-O-War tapped him on the head. The RED Heavy turned around to see Bat-Man standing behind him with the RED Medic down on the ground.

"You are dead, puny Scout!" The RED Heavy shouted angrily. Bat-Man flipped him the bird and smashed him directly between the legs with his Atomizer. Needless to say, he was downed quite easily.

"Ha!" Bat-Man laughed. "We stand triumphant, and stuff. Now we gotta call the police, I think." He quickly dialed up the police with a phone he swiped from the RED Medic.

"911, what is your emergency?" A female voice asked on the other end.

Bat-Man couldn't resist. "Hey there sweetheart, I just wanted to know if you'd like to go out with a handsome, muscular guy from Boston with a scary hat."

"What?" The person on the other end was more annoyed than interested. "Sir, if you do not have a valid emergency, I must ask you to end the call."

"What?" Bat-Man parroted the woman. "Oh! Right, so at this building, there's these three guys and they're doing illegal organ drives and stuff. It's at this one old building. We'll set it on fire so you guys can see it.

"Wait-" The woman began, but Bat-Man pressed the end button.

"Snipes!" He called. "We must set this building on fire."

They set it on fire.

As they watched, Snipes couldn't help but feel as though something was wrong. "Hey, Bat-Man, don't you think there's something missing?"

"Huh? OH RIGHT." Bat-Man smacked himself on the head, but not too hard. He didn't want to damage his face. "We forgot the mustache dude!"

"I'M NOT JUST ANY MUSTACHE DUDE." The mustache dude suddenly appeared in front of them. Bat-Man yelped and pulled out his Three-Rune Blade. Snipes stepped back and prepared to throw another jar of Jarate. "I AM AN ALIEN FROM MARS. I AM HERE TO STUDY HUMANKIND AND TAKE OVER YOUR MISERABLE WORLD."

"What?" Bat-Man asked. "Sorry, I wasn't listening." He hadn't.

The mustached alien decided to (wisely) not answer. "IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAND IN MY WAY, I WILL DESTROY EVERY TRACE OF YOU."

Snipes chose this moment to speak up. "Uh, if you're an alien, then why do you look exactly like a human? And also, last chapter, why did you speak like a normal person? And why were you dealing with the RED Medic, of all people?"

"I DISGUISED MYSELF WITH CLEVER TECHNOLOGY," The alien responded. "SEE MY TRUE FORM!" He swept off his disguise to reveal…

"Oh my god, he's a monkey!" Bat-Man announced. "A fat, hairy, short, ugly monkey!"

"AND TO ANSWER YOUR LAST QUESTION, THE RED MEDIC WAS THE MOST CONVENIENT DEALER." The monkey alien thing finished. "NOW, AGAIN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAND IN MY WAY, I WLL OBLITERATE YOU."

"Yo, do you even know who I am?" Bat-Man began. "I'm basically a big deal! A HUGE deal! If you were from where I was from, you'd be f*cking dead! I'll headbutt you!" Bat-Man actually charged at the monkey headfirst.

"FOOL." The monkey swept his hand. Bat-Man abruptly changed course in midair and smashed into Snipes. They both went tumbling into a pole. Bat-Man was back up in a second and Snipes was right after him.

"Attack!" Bat-Man yelled. "And Chucklenuts, get over here!" He whistled. Chucklenuts the squirrel suddenly appeared. "Attack the fat, ugly monkey!" Chucklenuts made a squirrel sound and scampered over to the monkey.

"FOOLS. I WILL NOW TAKE MY LEAVE, BUT DO NOT EXPECT THIS TO BE OUR LAST MEETING." The monkey started to fade away as if teleporting, but at that moment, Chucklenuts reached the monkey alien.

The monkey teleported away with Chucklenuts.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bat-Man screamed dramatically and collapsed to the ground. "CHUCKLENUTS! NO! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SOMETHING RIGHT! I'LL COME FIND YOU! DON'T WORRY! I WON'T LET THAT WEIRD MONKEY EAT YOU OR SOMETHING!"

As Bat-Man overreacted, Snipes stood by and watched. "Wow, he must really like that squirrel. I wonder how this plays into the plot."

**WILL SCOUT EVER FIND CHUCKLENUTS? WHAT IS THE IDENTITY OF THE MONKEY ALIEN? WHERE IS THE RED SPY? IF JOHNNY HAS FIVE APPLES AND EATS TWO, HOW MANY DOES HE HAVE LEFT? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE… AND STUFF.**


End file.
